This is a guest post by an extremely inspirational and powerful woman. From the first time, I found myself on jameemaree.com, I was mesmerized. Her style of writing is genuine and she speaks from the heart. Not to mention, we share a similar passion for empowering women. This story is the first in a new series being featured on Maintaining Miracles titled Love in Addiction. The author tells the story of being in love with an addict. Something that is becoming more and more common in today’s world. The devastation, desperation, hopefulness, and finally the realization. Without further due, I give you Part One of the Series Love in Addiction: IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT.
As she sat in the corner of the bathroom, hands over her ears and rocking herself to find comfort, tears streamed down her face in anguish as he continued to yell about how crazy she was for asking who had called and for questioning him on why he slept for so many hours straight after returning home from the same town that continues to cause issues.
Hours had gone by.
There had been moments of calmness
But as shown in her body language and emotional state, there had been more rage and lashing out than good.
And she finally had broken emotionally.
Inside her mind, her heart cried out, “Just make it stop. Just make him finally get it all out so he’ll be tired and he’ll stop. Please God, please help.”
His words, his temper, his shame just kept going and going, until he finally was exhausted himself.
As he walked away, “Just keep crying like you always do. Just keep crying,” and he walked into the bedroom and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up to the sounds of children laughing and playing with him. The smell of bacon filled the house, and she just was overwhelmed with happiness that maybe in his quiet, he had realized what he had done the previous night and was making amends to show change. As she rounded the corner to the kitchen, all the children were full of smiles and happiness…
… until his eyes met hers.
She smiled and said, “Good morning,” as she hugged his torso, which suddenly became rigid and tense at her touch.
It was as though the children anticipated what was happening when his eyes met hers, and suddenly they all disappeared into other rooms.
He begrudgingly replied with a gruff, “Good morning,” but never hugged back.
Immediately, her emotional guard went up in anticipation of how the rest of the morning would go based on that greeting as she realized he indeed was not trying to make amends. It was her presence in the room that made his entire demeanor change and she suddenly was overwhelmed with such deep-rooted rejection yet again.
“Can I make you coffee?” she asked as she finished her cup.
No response. Nothing.
Her internal struggles began and the tension in the room just thickened more and more.
The mental chaos of the daily longing to know why can’t he just change?
What is he up to that is so shady?
What is he hiding?
Why can’t he just be honest?
Why does he treat me like this, but wants to be treated as a King?
Why can he not see his behavior patterns like we all can?
WHY, GOD, WHY?! Why won’t this stop hurting so bad?
Anticipating that things would continue to go south as usual when he was in his moods, she continued on with her morning routine.
Every word out of his mouth was critical and full of contempt the rest of the morning, and she just wanted to run…
…far, far away.
Apparently, the children felt it too because they never resurfaced but found things to keep themselves busy and distracted the rest of the morning.
They just stayed out of his way…
…to keep from doing something to set him off.
You see… Two years had passed since they had met, and the beginning was so very beautiful for the two of them. They shared a connection that she had never felt before, and he said the same thing.
They had fun.
They lived life to the fullest.
There were very extravagant stories from his life shared, and very hard times/hurts shared from her past… it seemed as though they both had put their heart out on their sleeves to build a solid foundation right from the start. She was a very confident woman, running and working out daily, independent and full of grace and joy that people were drawn too. Her smile radiated and compared to none. He was a confident man full of zeal and dignity, and took care of her like she was his Princess.
It was a fairy tale beginning… the honeymoon.
Slowly, very slowly, things began to change and boundaries began to form that he established. She had to let him know where she was and whom she was with, and if she wasn’t reachable, he got irritated at best.
As she did errands one day, she passed the road that he lived on and out of nowhere, she got a text that said, “Turn around. Come see me.” She immediately began looking all over to see if she had passed him on the road or maybe he was in the nearby parking lot of shopping center. He was nowhere. “That’s odd,” she thought to herself, “how did he know where I was?” She quickly dismissed it as a coincidence and went on to his house to see him.
The fun continued, but strange things also continued.
She would be using her phone and would notice that it appeared to have taken a picture of her or the screen, but she had not personally done it. Being naïve and believing in people, she continued to ignore these red flags and put her soul into the relationship. The control and cyber monitoring continued to get increasingly more obvious as time went by, and naturally, he denied any part of it. They would have small, but manageable fights often but nothing abnormal.
And she began to notice a pattern of a weekly trip or two out of town for hours that she was not allowed to go along.
Slowly her suspicions started to make more sense and these trips began happening more frequently.
One evening, he said he had to work late for a Job Fair set up at a local community college, so she decided to surprise him with his favorite soda and candy on the hood of his car. As she rounded the corner with excitement about the surprise and his reaction, her heart sank.
His car was nowhere to be found….
She quickly began making excuses for it, “he must be at the other campus,” she told herself.
Her anxiety levels began to increase as she drove to the only other campus that he could’ve been at…. Nothing.
She was left sitting in the parking lot, tears streaming down her face with absolute shock and confusion.
Not only had she been so excited about surprising him, but now she had the disappointment of that, as well as the shock of him not being at the location he said he was to be at. She called his cell phone and innocently questioned him about where he was so she could eliminate her own possible imagination.
“I parked at the shop and rode with the guys,” he said, “I’ll see you in a couple hours at the house.”
She attempted to dismiss it as coincidental, but she just couldn’t shake it.
So… she watched for him to return home.
Sure enough, he was traveling not from the direction of the shop, but the very direction of the town that these weekly trips had been to.
Yet again, he gave her a great story and she turned her head to what she saw and what she knew was real, and she continued to turn her head for close to the entire two years. When she would confront him, he would always have just enough truth that she could not validate that her “imagination” was a reality and that he was indeed lying. It wouldn’t be until an entire two years had passed and the verbal/emotional abuse had changed her into a frail woman that she was able to finally admit to herself that it was real.
And to get him to admit that she hadn’t been “crazy” but that she had been right the entire time.
In his own shame and guilt, he had been hiding the drug addiction from her since the day they met.
He had gone to countless lengths to cover this addiction and had allowed himself to project his own hurts onto her as if she were crazy and losing it. The belittling words and abuse had been his way to make himself feel better for the wrongs he had been doing and keeping secret.
Slowly, the beautiful man that she had fallen in love with had become a complete stranger over night. The hurtful words and things he had said in the two years had created deep-rooted scars and feelings of worthlessness, but nothing compared to the pain she felt when he finally admitted that he had been lying to her the entire relationship.
As she would go about her day, she would simply crumble into a large heap of heartache, torment, and grief as her soul grieved what was and what could’ve been.
The man she had loved was not ever that man – it was all a lie.
“What was real? What was a lie? What is true love? Does it even exist? GOD HELP ME!” she would yell thru tears as she lay alone on that floor.
This beautiful confident woman had slowly allowed herself to become absolutely nothingness and a broken piece of glass over time without even knowing it, until these very painful moments.
Every piece of the relationship flooded her mind, as she put stories together that she had always questioned and that had caused her to suspect drug abuse.
The money he had borrowed and never paid back.
Everything finally came together in one great piece giant piece, and it shook her world in ways she did not know to be possible.
Over the next two weeks, she grieved in a way that she had never felt before.
Staring at the floor and the walls with absolutely nothing but sheer numbness was the very thing that kept her from taking her own life.
“How could I have looked away for so long? It was right there in my face, he was crying out for help in all the things he would say! How could I have been so ignorant?!” as her mind consumed her every action.
Little did she know, he was going thru his very own emotional journey on his own and had made the decision to find a treatment center and apologize for his choices. She stood her ground and demanded nothing but respect, and he did great…
….for a few days, and slowly the same words and lashings started to flare up.
“I don’t know what the F@$% is wrong with you! Who the hell do you think you are accusing me of these things? It’s ALL in your head! You must be losing it!!” as she again sat in the corner of the dark bathroom rocking herself as she tried to comfort her heart.
The cycle began again, but the difference was that this time….
This time, she knew it was the last and the chapter of the scary movie would finally be over.
Because she just let go.
She let go of what she could not change, of what she had dreamt would be, she let just let go.
Drug abuse had destroyed her soul and her every day, and she had allowed it to happen.
She was made out to be a crazed lunatic, when actuality, she was indeed right the entire time.
She let go of the emotional and psychological prison of hurt and fears she had been living in.
She let go of the heaviness of when the next “anger” alarm that was on a low hum daily would explode into a loud screeching “rage” fire alarm.
She let go of the hope that she would find a desirable quality of life with him in his healing.
And in doing so, she found quiet and peace inside her heart and her mind.
Absolute sheer contentment knowing she had let go.
The man she was clinging to was gone, and no matter what she wanted to be able to help him thru, he simply would not be healed until he was ready. Maybe someday he will find healing on his own, and hopefully, find her.
But she had to begin taking care of her and she would quietly heal on her own, and depend on the only person she knew she could… herself.
A Personal Note from me to you, Beautiful Woman!
Hey gals, my name is JameeMaree!! I have a deep passion for helping women, just like you, grow and transform in their daily lives. I am a momma to four beautiful children and a full-time psychology student. When I am not playing the role of “Mom Taxi,” you will find me working on my website and Etsy shop or drinking massive amounts of coffee to keep me awake. My life has thrown me some definite curves in my lifetime but has also given me unique perspectives on things such as adoption, divorce, loving an addict through years of use and recovery, and SO much more. In the pages of my blog, www.jameemaree.com, you will find this very unique perspective in my writing. If there is one thing that I can give you today, please know that I am thinking of each of you and believe in you!! I know you are powerful, but may be hurting inside. So please know that… You are strong. You may be hurting. You are loved. And I AM PROUD OF YOU!!!! So much love, xoxo – Jamee
Inspiring women to grow & transform
Sign up for our newsletter at http://eepurl.com/cpnEsf
As recovering addicts, we know the hell that we put ourselves through and how messed up our lives were. We know we harmed others both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Although, have you ever really thought about how much you have hurt someone. Have you ever thought about how much it would hurt to be an intimate romantic relationship with a full blown addict? Hell, we were high through all the bullshit, your partner wasn’t. So, how do you fix that relationship or do you just end it? Comments welcome below.