I can remember moments in my addiction when my mother would cry. She would always say she wanted nothing more than to have her daughter back. She says that she misses the person I used to be. Think about your life before addiction. I am willing to bet addiction has changed you. Addiction will change everything about you. You became a new person to those who thought they knew you the best. Unfortunately, the new you is not a change for the better.
In active addiction, your friends change, your life changes, the way you live changes, everything changes. You will never be the person you once were. Sadly, the innocent girl you were before you became a drug addict no longer exists.
Most likely, you have had the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing much more than the average person sees. Not only have you seen too much, you have been to places you have never imagined, and caused people you loved or didn’t even know a lot of pain. You have had to deal with things that would bring so-called “normal” people to their knees in tears.
Addiction changes you for the worse. Ultimately, it forces you to become a person you could otherwise never be.
Relationships in Addiction
In addiction, you stick with the people who get high. People that you can benefit from or that have money. You are only there to see what you can get. It’ sad but true. You really have no true friends. Everyone is only out for themselves.
Yes, you have friends that you use with, places to go to get high, and dealers that care about you, right? What happens when your dope sick, out of money, struggling, vomiting, and you feel like dying? Or when you are in jail or inpatient rehab? Who is there to put money on your books? Who is going to send you money and cigarettes to rehab? One or two people, maybe your best trick? That’s if you’re lucky. Most likely, no one will send you a dime. At that moment, you will finally realize that in addiction, you are alone. Completely alone.
When you get clean, are those same friends still going to be by your side? Will they support you in sobriety? Answer truthfully. Exactly, I didn’t think so. You will never hear from one of those people ever again once you are clean. Is the dealer that cares for you going to congratulate you? No, he doesn’t want anything to do with you. He’s losing money. Truth be told, you meant nothing to him. Don’t ever think otherwise.
How about your intimate relationships in addiction? Oh, that was one of my favorite things. Find a guy whose new to the game, has money, is naive, or just plain gullible. A girl works her magic on him and he falls head over heals. Then, proceed to walk all over him and take him for all that he got. When he’s broke or in jail. Then, it’s time to move on to the next one.
Does it matter? Have you really become that cold-hearted and numb to other’s pain and feelings? Addiction has made you into a person you never thought you would be, that you could be. After being in active addiction for years and years, the pain doesn’t seem to go away anymore. It’s no longer fun to get high. It’s a job, it’s an all day, all night mission. Your life revolves around the drug. That is if you call it a life.
You cry when you are alone, thinking about the horror that you go through, that you willingly put yourself through. What about your family? You haven’t physically seen them in years. They have grown tired of trying to bail you out time and time again, to no avail. Any bridge that you had, you have burnt. In the end, you have no one. It’s true. No one cares if you live or die as far as your concerned. It’s you and only you.
A Moment of Clarity
These feelings begin to eat at you, tear at your insides. Even when you are high beyond belief, it’s all that you think about. Finally, you make the decision to get clean.
How many times have you tried to sober up before? As mentioned time and time before, getting clean isn’t the hard part. The hard part is staying clean. Yet, something is different this time, very different. There is a sparkle of hope inside of you that it may actually work.
It doesn’t matter what treatment you use to recover. As long as the goal is to get clean and stay clean. The truth of the matter is a success is hard to come by. The vast majority of heroin addicts do not make it. Not that they can’t detox, anyone can detox. It’s staying clean. Heroin addicts have known to relapse time and time again. Eventually, you choose to be successful or you give up. Giving up is not what you have in mind.
You struggle through detox. Every time you detox, it seems to last longer, the symptoms stronger and harder to deal with. Death was looking like a viable option as you laid there, unable to move, puking nothing but bile. Now, it’s over, detox is over. These symptoms of withdrawal are without parallel.
That is why many heroin addicts choose medicated assisted treatment, myself included. As long as you use the medication correctly and don’t abuse it, then you are in recovery. Clean and sober, using no illegal drugs, only those prescribed to you.
It’s a moment of clarity. That is being clean and sober. Once you get used to it. It is great to feel this way. Being able to think clearly and rationally. Truth be told, the odds are against you. That fact alone should make you fight harder, push forward, and never give up. Others use it as a reason to justify their using. They think since the odds are against them, it’s not even worth the fight. Be glad you are not that person.
No longer in active addiction, you have changed yet again. This time you are still in the beginning changes but you have hopes and dreams of who you want to be, what you want your life to be like. A new you is on the way, the person you are going to become.
You Can’t Go Back In Time
One thing recovering addicts must realize from the gate is that you can not change the past. You did terrible things, you hurt people. If you could, you would take it all back. Sadly, that can’t happen. Your family and the people who love you will come to understand that you didn’t intentionally mean to cause anyone of them harm. You only had one way of thinking, a one track mind. It was all about getting the drugs and doing the drugs. You did not think about the consequences at the time. If you did, they didn’t matter. Heroin was the only thing that meant anything to you.
All you can do is say you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness. Those who really love you will forgive you. They might not forget what you did. Although, in time they will learn to forgive. That’s all that counts. Love truly does conquer all. If that person is still there after your trials and tribulations then, they had hope. Luckily, they had hope in you. They knew someday you would be alright.
As a recovering addict, you are stronger, smarter, wiser, and you know what’s out there. You know the terror that lies there waiting. Partying seems innocent to most but, you. You know what it can lead to. Recovering addicts know that one is too many because it will never be enough. It will not give you what you ultimately want. The feeling that you long for. You would not be able to escape the inevitable if you had just one.
Recovery changes you yet again. Now, your eyes are wide open to what you are actually capable of. Being successful in recovery has proven you have a soul, a good heart, and that you are much stronger than anyone will ever know. You are grateful for everything you got because you know just how quickly it can be gone with one bad decision.
The New You
You have to understand and make others understand that you will never be the person you were before you became an addict. People might miss the old you or refer to that person as the “real” you. Although, they are wrong. Right now, this is the “real” you.
We don’t want to think about the hell we went through and the hell we have caused. Although, it will be a part of us forever. It doesn’t matter if you were a heroin addict for 1 week or for 20 years. The events that you had to face during that time will forever change who you are.
You can tell your mother that she will never have her little girl back. You can never be the same person that you once were. Scars do not fade and there are some things that will never be forgotten.
You alone did what many others could not. People die from this disease. They lose all sense of themselves or who they ever were. Yet, you. You were able to conquer the devil. You are strong, brave, and incredible. I hope you know how truly powerful you actually are. So, this is you. A woman living the sober life. The person that you have become is brand new to everyone else yet, she was in you all along. It’s just your first time meeting her.
Do you agree with this? Are you a new you? From addiction to recovery, your life has completely and totally altered the person you once were. The new you is the best yet. Let me hear your comments.